


Buzzfeed Presents: 10 Times Richie and Eddie Tozier were Very, Very Married

by kyaticlikestea



Series: Richie Tozier is famous and loves his boyfriend, OK [9]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Bisexual Eddie Kaspbrak, Buzzfeed, Comedian Richie Tozier, Fix-It, Gay Richie Tozier, Interviews, List Fic, M/M, POV Outsider, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Richie Tozier speaks French, Social Media, Stanley Uris Lives, Talk Shows, Twitter, transcript fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-21
Updated: 2020-01-21
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:27:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22351834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: Stanley Uris@surisaccountingI was going through my most recent photos and came across this nice one of @richietozier and @etozier at their wedding last week. Congratulations to the happy couple. They’ve never looked better.[attached image is a photo of two penguins arguing]Richie ‘My Husband is Also A’ Tozier ✔@richietozierreplying to @surisaccountingHey @surisaccounting take down that tweet or I’ll keep doing this[attached image is a photo of a Common Potoo, which has been incorrectly labelled ‘Crow’ in Comic Sans font]Buzzfeed makes a list of all the times Richie and Eddie Tozier, beloved husbands of the Internet, were incredibly married. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it isn't a short list.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: Richie Tozier is famous and loves his boyfriend, OK [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1530359
Comments: 121
Kudos: 1229





	Buzzfeed Presents: 10 Times Richie and Eddie Tozier were Very, Very Married

**Author's Note:**

> Tw for suicide mentions (in a joke context), references to homophobia

** Buzzfeed Celebrity **

**March 19th, 2020**

**10 Times Richie and Eddie Tozier were Very, Very Married**

It’s been a month of bliss. Not only for Richie and Eddie Tozier, who got married (finally) last month, but for the entire dang internet, who have since been blessed with over four weeks of wholesome married content. Coinciding with the press tour for Richie’s horror film THAT, due to be released next week, we decided to showcase the best of the internet’s favourite husbands. Let us know about your favourite Tozier moment!

  1. When Richie posted this from their honeymoon in Paris and we all collectively realised that true love is real   
  




> **Richie ‘My Husband is Also A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> Does anyone know the number for the French cops? We got a real, bonafide case of cannibalism right here

_[attached video transcript:_

_[Richie is behind the camera, filming, as Eddie sits at a table in a decently fancy restaurant, a plate of spaghetti carbonara on the table in front of him. Eddie lifts up his fork to start eating, and Richie gasps sharply.]_

**Richie:** I wouldn’t eat that if I were you, Eds.

 **Eddie:** _[frowning]_ Why not? Is it the lactose thing? Because I’m working through that in my head, you know this. 

**Richie:** No, babe, it’s not the lactose. It’s much worse than that.

 **Eddie:** Did you see the chef go to the shitter and not wash his hands or something?

 **Richie:** Much, much worse than that.

 **Eddie:** Nothing’s worse than that. _[He puts down his fork]_ Why can’t I eat it? What’s wrong with it?

 **Richie:** It’s just… it’s cannibalism, babe. Flesh of your flesh. The final taboo.

 **Eddie:** _[closes his eyes in resignation]_ Oh, fuck you. Fuck so much about you right now, Rich. You gave me a heart attack. I thought I was about to get Campylobacter or something. Shit. Every day, I’m more and more surprised that you’re supposed to be funny for a living. 

**Richie:** It was pretty funny, babe. 

**Eddie:** Bite me, dude. 

**Richie:** No way! You’re the only cannibal in this joint. I’m not gonna Dahmer it up with you, Eds. Not to kink shame, but God, stop asking me to eat you.

_The video ends with Eddie bursting out laughing, putting his head in his hands and shaking his head]_

  1. The time a fan ran into them at the Eiffel Tower and live-tweeted her experience for the good of all mankind, and our acne spontaneously cleared up  
  




> **Emma Meyer _@emmameyer93_**
> 
> You guys… not to start a riot or anything but I’m on a school trip to the fucking Eiffel Tower bc our school is highly unoriginal… and you will literally never guess who’s here… it’s the TOZIERS (trying to be sneaky lol sorry for bad photo quality)
> 
> _[The attached image is an incredibly blurry photo of a tall man in a black wool coat and red hat, with his arm around a shorter man in a blue duffle coat and red scarf, standing on the top platform of the Eiffel Tower]_
> 
> **Emma Meyer _@emmameyer93_**
> 
> _replying to @emmameyer93_
> 
> Not trying to stalk them or anything but I’m accidentally eavesdropping and you GUYS I’m probs gonna die on this day of our lord 2020 bc Richie is trying to teach Eddie French but I’m like 80% sure he’s telling him that the French word for ‘asshole’ actually means ‘good afternoon’
> 
> **Emma Meyer _@emmameyer93_**
> 
> _replying to @emmameyer93_
> 
> LMAO BUSTED, Eddie just said “you taught me how to say asshole last year, you dickbag, don’t try to ruin my life like this”
> 
> **Emma Meyer _@emmameyer93_**
> 
> _replying to @emmameyer93_
> 
> "I’m not trying to ruin your life babe I’m trying to improve mine." - R
> 
> "How does it improve your life if I try and say good afternoon to you and call you an asshole?" - E
> 
> "Because you know how much I like it when you're mean to me!" - R
> 
> "OK then, you're a piece of shit." - E
> 
> **Emma Meyer _@emmameyer93_**
> 
> _replying to @emmameyer93_
> 
> This is the greatest day of my fucking life but if they ever realise I’ve been listening to them then they’ll probably call the gendarmes (sp?) on me and I would have no choice but to take my punishment graciously tbh
> 
> **Emma Meyer _@emmameyer93_**
> 
> _replying to @emmameyer93_
> 
> Lmao people keep asking me to take a proper photo of them but I feel kind of weird about that sorry, I feel bad enough about the blurry piece of shit I already posted, you’ll just have to deal with my eavesdropping instead
> 
> **Emma Meyer _@emmameyer93_**
> 
> _replying to @emmameyer93_
> 
> Omg…… I love them
> 
> "The view from up here is pretty good right?" - R
> 
> "How is it any different from your usual view, you gangly fuck? Did you even have to take the elevator to get up here?" - E
> 
> **Emma Meyer _@emmameyer93_**
> 
> _replying to @emmameyer93_
> 
> OK I’m not taking another photo of them so you’ll all just have to trust me on this but I have LITERALLY just noticed that Eddie’s scarf and Richie’s hat are CLEARLY from a matching set and now I’m going to just jump off the Eiffel Tower, brb
> 
> **Richie ‘My Husband is Also A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @emmameyer93_
> 
> Stop being a creep and get over here and take a photo with us like a normal human, you coward (also Eddie and I both like your fancy pink coat, we’re gonna get Bev to make a copy of it so we can wear it to all formal occasions)
> 
> **Emma Meyer _@emmameyer93_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> I leapt to my well deserved death 4 seconds after this photo was taken _[attached image is a photo of her looking absolutely mortified with Eddie and Richie either side of her, both giving a thumbs up. Richie has given her his hat and Eddie has given her his scarf. They do, indeed, come from a matching set]_

  1. When this happened in the middle of an interview for Entertainment Weekly, and we all sighed rhapsodically in unison  
  




_[Richie is sat in a chair in front of a huge poster for the horror movie THAT (The House of Abominable Terror), which consists of a giant photo of his scared face, smeared with blood. The video opens on the interviewer, a man who’s sat just off camera, mid question.]_

**Interviewer:** So what preparation did you have to do for the role?

 **Richie:** Oh, you know. Hardly any, honestly. 

**Interviewer:** Is that so?

 **Richie:** Yeah, dude! It’s a horror film, and I grew up gay in a famous child murder town in Maine in the 1980s! You think I had to practice being scared? No, man, that used to be my resting state. Fear was, like, my baseline emotion. Anything else was just a bonus.

 **Interviewer:** You had a lot of reserves to tap into, then. 

**Richie:** A whole damn mineshaft. And you know, that kind of fear never really - it doesn’t go away, you just sort of have to fill in the mineshaft with good sh- stuff, so that the fear ends up right at the bottom and it can’t surface again. You can tap into it when you want to, but when you don’t need it, you get to just kinda put it to the side and deal with it when you need to.

 **Interviewer:** And would you say that’s the approach you took with this film?

 **Richie:** Yeah, definitely. _[He pauses, and grins]_ So I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this to you at all yet, but I got married recently.

 **Interviewer:** _[laughing]_ You’ve mentioned it a few times, yeah. Would you say that’s helped ground you?

 **Richie:** Oh, not at all. I’ve never felt less grounded in my life. And that’s great! That’s a good thing. Everything is going, like, suspiciously well for me. I feel like I can do literally anything now. My head’s completely in the clouds. I just keep, like, saying yes to shit. Bill wants me to be the lead in his weird haunted house movie? Sure, Bill, have at it! And hey, Bill, I’m just gonna secretly rewrite the script and make it super, super gay, that cool?

 **Interviewer:** He must’ve thought it was cool, because that’s the script they used!

 **Richie:** I know! So cool, right? This is the gayest film since Brokeback Mountain, and it’s based on a book without a single queer character. Can’t wait to be cancelled by all the straights when they watch it. 

**Interviewer:** And you say your marriage influenced your decision to rewrite the script?

 **Richie:** I mean, I rewrote it before we got married, but my now husband definitely has something to do with it. Because, like, have you met Eddie, dude? That guy is the best thing to ever happen to me. He stubbed his toe on the sink this morning and he swore so loudly that I think the paint peeled off the walls. He packed me a lunch for this interview. You saw me eat it earlier. 

**Interviewer:** I did. It looked pretty good. 

**Richie:** Carrot sticks, man! They’re a revelation! But anyway, he makes me feel proud as hell. So, when Bill sent me the script and it said that my character had a wife - I was like, fuck no, he doesn’t, he has a husband, and they live in a haunted house together, and that’s that. 

**Interviewer:** Did Eddie see the script before you showed it to Bill?

 **Richie:** He did, actually. 

**Interviewer:** And did he like it?

 **Richie:** I mean, he sort of hates the book it’s based on. _[He pretends to be whispering an aside to the camera]_ Sorry, Bill! But he said - and I quote - “you can’t polish a turd, Rich, but that’s one of the shinier turds that Bill’s had his name attached to.” Which I took as a glowing recommendation from Eds. _[He pauses]_ He also said that he thought the husband’s character should be played by John Cho, because he was clearly very handsome and had good taste. 

**Interviewer:** So what did you do about that?

 **Richie:** We got John Cho, dude! He’s not quite as hot as Eds, but he’ll do.

  1. When they teamed up to cyberbully their childhood best friend in retaliation for a very mean tweet, and we all awwed so loudly that it registered on the Richter scale  
  




> **Stanley Uris _@surisaccounting_**
> 
> I was going through my most recent photos and came across this nice one of @richietozier and @etozier at their wedding last week. Congratulations to the happy couple. They’ve never looked better.
> 
> _[attached image is a photo of_ [ _two penguins arguing_ ](https://image.shutterstock.com/image-photo/chinstrap-penguins-fighting-antarctica-260nw-1273835530.jpg) _]_
> 
> **Richie ‘My Husband is Also A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @surisaccounting_
> 
> Hey @surisaccounting take down that tweet or I’ll keep doing this
> 
> _[attached image is a photo of a Common Potoo, which has been incorrectly labelled ‘Crow’ in Comic Sans font]_
> 
> **Richie ‘My Husband is Also A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> @surisaccounting
> 
> _[attached image is a photo of a Chestnut Jacamar, which has been incorrectly labelled ‘Robin’ in Comic Sans font]_
> 
> **Richie ‘My Husband is Also A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> @surisaccounting
> 
> _[attached image is a photo of a Eurasian Magpie, which has been incorrectly labelled ‘Australian Magpie (not a real magpie)’ in Comic Sans font]_
> 
> **Eddie ‘Finally A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@etozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @surisaccounting_
> 
> @surisaccounting
> 
> _[attached image is a photo of Stan at a party, holding a glass of wine in each hand, wearing a party hat and looking like he craves death, which has been incorrectly labelled ‘Cassowary’ in Papyrus font]_
> 
> **Stanley Uris _@surisaccounting_**
> 
> _replying to @etozier @richietozier_
> 
> You two are going to be so much worse now that you’re married, aren’t you?
> 
> **Mike H @ _mikemikemikeymike_**
> 
> _replying to @surisaccounting @etozier @richietozier_
> 
> Not sure it’s possible for them to be worse, Stan. 
> 
> **Richie ‘My Husband is Also A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @mikemikemikeymike @surisaccounting @etozier_
> 
> Love this photo of the two of you traitors at our wedding :)
> 
> _[attached image is the photo that Stan initially posted of the two penguins, but Richie has Photoshopped one of them to have Stan’s head and the other to have Mike’s]_
> 
> **Eddie ‘Finally A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@etozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @mikemikemikeymike @surisaccounting_
> 
> I prefer this one, personally! I think it really shows the true character of our best friends.
> 
> _[attached photo is a pair of snakes, and Eddie has Photoshopped them to have the faces of Stan and Mike]_
> 
> **Richie ‘My Husband is Also A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @etozier @mikemikemikeymike @surisaccounting_
> 
> Yeah, that one’s way better, babe. Let’s frame it, it’s always nice to have photos in the house of our good pals :)
> 
> **Eddie ‘Finally A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@etozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @mikemikemikeymike @surisaccounting_
> 
> :-)
> 
> _[attached image is a photo of Richie, standing in front of a framed version of the edited snake photo hung on the wall in their living room, sticking both his middle fingers up to the camera]_

  1. When their other childhood best friend, famous fashionista Bev Marsh, posted this photo of them in their wedding outfits, and their responses made us literally melt into goo  
  




_[The photo attached to the article is from Bev’s Instagram account. It’s a composite image made up of two photos, and shows Richie and Eddie each trying on their tuxes before the proverbial big day. Richie’s outfit, on the left, is a dark blue jacket with a surprisingly tasteful Hawaiian shirt palm tree print on it in a slightly lighter shade of blue, black trousers, a black bow tie, and a white shirt. He’s doing a delighted thumbs up in the photo. Eddie’s outfit, on the right, is a black jacket, a dark blue waistcoat, a white shirt, a dark blue bow tie, and dark blue plaid patterned trousers. He’s pushing a hand through his hair awkwardly in the photo. It has to be said that both look very snazzy.]_

**@bevmarsh:** Two Beverly Marsh originals for two Beverly Marsh favorites #TheseSuitsAreWorthMoreThanMyHouse

 **@richietozier:** damn… who’s the snack on the right? Can you score me his digits?

**@etozier:** @richietozier he’s married, sorry.

 **@richietozier:** @etozier damn, I was gonna ask if he wanted to do laundry with me some time, but I guess that would be ‘‘inappropriate’’ 

**@etozier:** @richietozier it would be pretty inappropriate because it suggests that you’ve ever done laundry in your entire life.

 **@richietozier:** @etozier that’s ironic because someone told me that I ‘clean up nice’ the other day :)

**@stanuris:** @richietozier @etozier you two live together, why are you doing this

**@bevmarsh:** @stanuris no need to be jealous, Stan, I can make you a nice suit too! 

**@richietozier:** @bevmarsh @stanuris yeah he can wear it to his kink shaming party

**@stanuris:** @richietozier I’m deleting my account now and I suggest you do the same

 **@richietozier:** @stanuris don’t leave us, Instagramps

 **@etozier:** @richietozier @stanuris you do clean up nice, you just don’t clean up after yourself.

 **@richietozier:** @etozier @stanuris are you kinkshaming me babe :(

 **@richietozier:** @etozier @stanuris it’s not my fault that I like my clothes like I like my husbands ;) ;) ;) ;)

 **@richietozier:** @etozier @stanuris dirty and on my bedroom floor ;) ;) ;) ;)

**@stanuris:** @richietozier @etozier I’m deleting my pulse now and I suggest you do the same

  1. When this fearless interviewer asked him about _that_ scene, and he said this, and we all started looking at wedding dresses  
  




_[The clip shows Bill and Richie sat in an interview room with a poster for THAT behind them. They’re still laughing at something funny one of them has said. Across the room from them sits the interviewer, a woman of about 35.]_

**Interviewer:** So, has Eddie seen ‘the scene?’

 **Richie:** Which scene? There are several in the film. _[Realisation dawns]_ Oh, man. You mean the sex thing. 

_[Bill puts his head in his hands]_

**Interviewer:** So, has he seen it?

 **Richie:** No, and I hope he never does!

 **Interviewer:** You think he’d be jealous seeing you get jiggy with someone else?

 **Richie:** No, man, because he’d laugh at it! Because, like - when you’re filming a, uh, a sex scene for TV or film, you have to make it _look_ good. You know? It has to look all artistic and erotic and not just like you’re a binbag full of ham rolling around on a bed. And I just _know_ that Eds is gonna watch that scene, and he’s gonna be like… this is inaccurate. This is a lie. You are misrepresenting your sexual prowess to the world. You make way weirder noises and your back always gives out halfway through, and you fall off the bed more times than not, and sometimes you’re too lazy to take off all your clothes. There is never, _ever_ mood lighting. We once did it to the romantic light of Eddie’s phone torch.

 **Bill:** I’m cancelling the film. I’ll do it. 

**Richie:** _[ignoring Bill]_ But, you know, that’s also the thing that makes it _better_ in reality. Because in films, you have to look good, you have to always look like you’re on the verge of being seduced, but like - I never look good in real life. I don’t! I look like a mildly haunted trash puppet, and that’s fine, because my cute husband still wants me to touch his butt, so there.

 **Bill:** _[laughing]_ We weren’t shooting a p-pornography. You’re making it sound way more intense than it is.

 **Richie:** You’re the freak who wrote a book with a sex scene that’s pivotal to the plot, Bill! You did that, not me! That was all on you! 

**Bill:** _[still laughing]_ OK, p-point taken -

 **Interviewer:** Let’s talk about your inspiration behind that scene, Bill. 

**Richie:** Oh, _let’s_. 

**Interviewer:** In the original THAT book, your protagonist has to partake in an orgy with his neighbours in order to awaken the demon that’s haunting his house, albeit accidentally, of course. In the film version, it’s much less graphic, and only involves the main character and his husband. Was there a reason for making it so notoriously over the top in the source material, and what do you think about the changes made for the film?

 _[Bill and Richie are silent for a few seconds. Richie is staring at Bill triumphantly]_

**Richie:** Yeah, the world owes me about a billion dollars for my rewrites, Bill, and the check is in the goddamn mail. 

**Bill:** No argument here.

  1. When Richie asked Eddie to come into the kitchen and we all somehow grew a second heart to contain all of our love  
  




> **Richie ‘My Husband is Also A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> Babe, come into the kitchen :) @etozier
> 
> **Eddie ‘Finally A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@etozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> I’m literally in the next room, you could just yell for me.
> 
> **Richie ‘My Husband is Also A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @etozier_
> 
> I’m doing a big gesture and I need witnesses for reasons of romance, Spagheds
> 
> **Eddie ‘Finally A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@etozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> OK, give me 2 minutes, just typing something up for work.
> 
> **Richie ‘My Husband is Also A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @etozier_
> 
> Very homophobic of you not to immediately drop everything and attend to your husband (me) (I’m your husband) (we’re married)
> 
> **Eddie ‘Finally A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@etozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> Very biphobic of you not to let me literally do my job at 11am on a Wednesday after taking two weeks off for my honeymoon (which you also did) (because it was your honeymoon too) (why aren’t you working right now?)
> 
> **Richie ‘My Husband is Also A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @etozier_
> 
> Got more important stuff to do, babe, come in here right now pls, thx
> 
> **Eddie ‘Finally A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@etozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> Coming now.
> 
> **Richie ‘My Husband is Also A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @etozier_
> 
> As your mom once said to me, back in the halcyon days of 1984 
> 
> **Richie ‘My Husband is Also A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier @etozier_
> 
> Just joking Spaghuardo, love of my life, king of my heart, emperor of my affections, pls do actually come here tho
> 
> **Eddie ‘Finally A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@etozier_**
> 
> _replying to @richietozier_
> 
> You’re literally the biggest idiot in the entire world. 
> 
> _[attached photo shows Richie wearing a chef’s hat and whites, grinning like he’s won eight lotteries, standing next to a brand new pasta maker he’s bought and set up in the kitchen. There’s so much flour on the kitchen counter that it looks like the bathroom in a celebrity nightclub, and there are dirty pots and pans haphazardly piled everywhere, but Richie has managed to produce a huge bowl of homemade spaghetti, which he’s cradling like his firstborn]_
> 
> **Richie ‘My Husband is Also A’ Tozier** **✔** **_@richietozier_**
> 
> _replying to @etozier_
> 
> Our first biological child :) 
> 
> _[attached photo is a selfie Richie has taken of him and Eddie. Eddie is now wearing the chef’s hat, and Richie is still in his chef’s whites, hair full of flour. Eddie is holding the bowl of pasta and laughing, and Richie is pressing a smooch onto his cheek]_

  1. When Richie spoke about their honeymoon destination on Conan, and we all saw hearts for a solid month  
  




**Conan:** So, you’re recently back from your honeymoon, I hear?

 **Richie:** I am, because I got married! 

**Conan:** Congratulations on that, by the way. Where did you go?

 **Richie:** Paris, for a week, then we just kinda went home and watched TV on the couch.

 **Conan:** Paris is very romantic.

 **Richie:** Oh, God no. Paris is the least romantic place in the world, are you kidding me? It’s, like, the antithesis of romance. A hall of sin. A den of iniquity. An emporium of piss. Eurgh. Vomit in every doorway. I once saw a man pee against the Louvre and then fall into it and just sit there. Disgusting. Romantic? What’s wrong with you? Get away from me with that nonsense. 

**Conan:** Well, why the hell else would you go to Paris?

 **Richie:** For the germs, Conan! The bacteria! The grease and the grime! 

_[Conan doesn’t say anything; he just blinks theatrically, and the audience laughs]_

**Conan:** Yowza. OK. Explain. 

**Richie:** Well, my dear husband, who I love more than literally anything else in the world, has a bit of a thing about germs. He’s not their number one fan. And you know, it’s kinda weird, but we all have weird stuff, right? Like, I sometimes can’t walk down the hallway at night to use the bathroom because I’m convinced that an evil demon clown is gonna jump me and start shouting homophobic slurs at me. _[The audience laughs]_ So, I get it. And yes, Conan, before you ask, we’re both in therapy. 

**Conan:** That sounds like an excellent idea, honestly.

 **Richie:** It really is. I love therapy. It’s my main hobby. Everyone should get therapy. But anyway, one of the things our therapist has been telling us to do is to face our fears. And that’s kinda hard for me, unless I pay some random guy to dress up like an evil demon clown and start shouting homophobic slurs at me, but Eds can face his germ phobia pretty easily, and that’s by hosting a meet and greet with lots of germs. 

**Conan:** So Paris was immersion therapy, basically.

 **Richie:** Yeah! Immersion therapy with haute cuisine.

 **Conan:** So let me get this straight - 

**Richie:** Eurgh, must you?

 **Conan:** \- you went to a place that you just literally described as an ‘emporium of piss’ so that your husband could get over his germ phobia. 

**Richie:** That I did, Conan. That I did.

 **Conan:** That’s - dare I say it - _nice_ of you.

 **Richie:** Well, he does nice things for me all the time, when he’s not relentlessly bullying me on Twitter. Just this morning, he sent me a very good photo of a dog, and then he told me that he thought it looked like me. 

**Conan:** And did it? Look like you?

 **Richie:** It was super old and had bald patches and no teeth, so yeah, it did. _[Audience laughs]_

 **Conan:** He sounds like he was made for you, honestly.

 **Richie:** I know. _[He sighs]_ God, he’s so cute. And I get to be married to him. Isn’t that crazy? We have the same surname now! We keep getting stuff in the post addressed to Mr R and E Tozier! Like, I don’t even get to use my own surname half the time, but he does, and it’s literally the best thing in the whole world. 

**Conan:** Even better than therapy?

 **Richie:** Even better.

  1. When Richie posted this video of Eddie’s architectural opinions and we all bathed in rose petals  
  




_[The attached video is from Richie’s Instagram account, when they were on their honeymoon. It opens up with the sound of Richie laughing hysterically from behind the camera. Eddie is standing with the Eiffel Tower in the background, looking annoyed.]_

**Richie:** Say it again, babe. For the camera.

 **Eddie:** Fuck you, it wasn’t even supposed to be funny. 

**Richie:** But it was! You’re so funny, Eds. Way funnier than me. 

**Eddie:** Yeah, like that’s hard. 

**Richie:** Please, Spaghuardo. For your adoring fans. Repeat what you said 10 seconds ago.

 **Eddie:** _[sighs resignedly]_ I just said, why would anyone pay good money to come over here and see the Eiffel Tower when it looks exactly like a shitty transmission tower?

_[Richie laughs again, and turns the camera around so he’s now in frame, and shuffles around to Eddie, so they’re both on screen]_

**Richie:** You heard it here first, ladies and gentlemen. One of the world’s greatest feats of engineering, an architectural landmark, has been officially described as ‘a shitty transmission tower’ by my very, very hard to please husband. I’m gonna tell Ben about this. He’ll be so sad. He’ll write a poem about it, babe.

 **Eddie:** It looks exactly like one, fuck you!

 **Richie:** It’s, like, forty times as tall, Spaghedward.

 **Eddie:** Well, you’re forty times as tall as the average human, and you’re still unimpressive. 

_[Richie bursts into laughter so hard that he just about cries, and kisses Eddie on the cheek. Eddie looks a little less annoyed.]_

**Richie:** Ah, Paris. La ville de l’amour. Et des pylônes.

  1. When they recreated this iconic photo at their wedding, and we all spontaneously burst out into song  
  




_[attached photo was taken at Richie and Eddie’s wedding. It’s a recreation of the_ [ _now famous photo_ ](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22340704) _of the Losers at Ben and Bev’s lakehouse. In the original photo, all of the Losers have just been swimming, and they all beam at the camera in their wet clothes, except for Ben, who is inexplicably shirtless._

_The recreation photo shows Richie and Eddie, in all their wedding finery, beaming at the camera, their arms around each other. Richie is pointing at Eddie’s wedding ring and he’s definitely been crying. All of the Losers are huddled together, hugging one another so that they fit in the frame. They’re all dressed in their gladrags, except for Ben, who is inexplicably shirtless. He looks less happy about it this time.]_

  1. As an added bonus, when they posted these photos to their Instagrams, and we all pledged our lives to St Valentine  
  




_[A screenshot of Eddie’s Instagram page, showing his hand with his wedding ring atop Richie’s hand with his wedding ring. The caption is ‘Edward got wedward!’_

_A screenshot of Richie’s Instagram page, showing the same photo. The caption is ‘Rich got hitched!’]_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks, as always, for your support on this series! I currently have two more planned, because apparently I'm a huge glutton for punishment, but if there's anything in particular you want to see, let me know! I can't promise anything, but I'm always up for trying a suggestion.
> 
> It's pretty obvious, but just in case, Bill's book THAT is essentially just me ripping the shit out of Stephen King and his propensity for weird sex scenes. Sorry, Stephen King. But not really.
> 
> Richie's snazzy Hawaiian suit jacket is inspired by [this Tumblr post](https://kg-has-a-tumbrl.tumblr.com/post/190135207276/richie-tozier-used-to-go-to-award-shows-and-walk).


End file.
